London 17/10/14

Fighting Cocks, Kingston (with Dingus Khan)
Friday, October 17, 2014
7:30pm - Fighting Cocks, Kingston (with Dingus Khan) - 18+ Buy Tickets
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56 Old London Road, Kingston Upon Thames, KT2 6QA




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House Fire Started By Squirrel Disrupts Romford Funeral Procession

A funeral car broke rank mid-procession and sped off toward its passenger’s house – where a squirrel had started a fire.

Friend of the deceased and former Havering councillor Alby Tebbutt, 73, was in the final car of a procession in Brentwood Road in the afternoon of Friday, March 8, when he received an unwelcome phone call.

“I had a fellow in my house putting a new bathroom in,” he told the Recorder. “He had the window open and saw smoke coming out the garage roof.

“So he rang the fire brigade and then rang me.”

Mr Tebbutt initially believed the caller was pulling his leg – but as it dawned on him the fire was no wind-up he realised he had to get home, funeral or no funeral.

“I said to the driver: ‘I’m telling you, my house is on fire. Go left here.’

“The driver said: ‘I can’t go left – I’m in a funeral.’

“I said: ‘Never mind that. Turn left.’”

The driver did as he was bidden and chauffeured the former Tory councillor, along with a number of family members of the deceased, to his Main Road home in Romford – pausing while Mr Tebbutt negotiated his way through a road block set up so the fire brigade could run a hose across the street.

He arrived to find three fire crews battling the flames, which ended up damaging 50 per cent of the garage and costing upwards of £20,000.

But it wasn’t until a fire investigation team pinpointed the cause of the incident that the strangest aspect of the afternoon’s proceedings came to light – the fire had been started by a squirrel.

A fire brigade spokesman said the mischievous rodent had chewed through the cable of a fluorescent light, sparking an electrical fire that quickly spread through the garage.

“It’s nuts to think that squirrels can start fires, but that’s exactly what happened here,” he admitted. “We think it was nesting in the garage and caused the blaze by chewing through some cables.”

Self-proclaimed “animal lover” Mr Tebbutt said he was nearing the end of his tether with the rodents.

“I put nuts out for the birds but the squirrels keep eating them,” he revealed. “Whatever contraption I put up, they seem to beat me. It’s a battle between me and the squirrels.

“I put up with that but now they’ve set my house on fire I’ve decided I’m going to shoot them all.”

Under UK law, it is legal to shoot grey squirrels but illegal to cause them unnecessary pain.

The RSPCA website warns that “squirrels may suffer if the shooting is not accurate”.


Russian Woman Attacked By Wolf, Axes It To Death

Aishat Maksudova, 56, was attacked outside her sister’s home in Russia’s province of Dagestan in the North Caucasus Mountains.

A lone wolf attacked 56 Aishat Maksudova outside her sister’s home in Russia’s province of Dagestan in the North Caucasus Mountains.

The animal bit the farmer on her arm and her leg and she fell to the ground, crying out for help from other villagers. No one was in earshot. So she reached for an ax she had brought along to repair a fence, and with remarkable aplomb, she hit the wolf over the head several times until his teeth unclenched.

The wolf later died.

Maksudova has become a hero in the Caspian Sea province that lies east of Chechnya. She was still being treated for her wounds Tuesday at a local hospital after last week’s incident. Doctors said she is recuperating well.


Woman Beats Cancer by Drinking Own Urine

You may suspect she’s taking the piss, but one woman claims she has beaten cancer – by drinking down her own piss.

Carrie Steele had driven her malignant melanoma cancer into remission – which she puts down to her use of alternative therapies – when she was struck by a brain aneurysm in 2006.

But after two years of struggling with painful headaches and fears her cancer would return, in 2008 Carrie had a dream in which she was told to start drinking her own piss.

After researching the idea, she discovered “piss therapy” – and overcame her disgust to begin knocking back a glass of piss every day.

In just 30 days, she claims, the pain she had felt for two years was gone, and she felt much healthier.

And now the 54-year-old, from Colorado, US, chugs down up to five glasses of the stuff each day, and even brushes her teeth with it.

She also uses her piss as a moisturiser, adds it to her bath water, and runs it through her hair to add an extra shine, explaining: “I like warm piss. It’s comforting.”

Despite not taking any medications since 2008, she says she has not suffered from any pain, and her cancer has not returned.

She added: “Sometimes it’s salty, sometimes tastes like plum champagne. Mmm, maybe a little lemony.”

Carrie is such a fan of her smelly habit that she encourages friends and family to try it out, as well as running a YouTube channel and classes to teach people about piss therapy.

Carrie appeared on US TV show My Strange Addiction, where she spoke openly about her unusual love for drinking her own piss.

Following a doctor’s warning that toxic waste in piss could make her ill, she decided to ditch the weird habit – but when her pain returned months later, she soon returned to her miracle cure.


Wife’s Strange Behaviour

Dear Damien,

I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a travelling musician and note strange things when I come home. Her cell phone rings and she steps outside or says “call me later…” When I ask her who called she gets evasive. Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way home. I once picked up the extension phone while she was talking and she got very angry.

A friend of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me my wife and some guy shows up sometimes at their gig. He wanted to borrow my amp. That’s when I got the idea to find out for myself. I said: “Sure you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it and see if she comes into the club and who with.” He agreed.

Saturday night came. I slipped behind my Marshall JCM800 half stack to get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the amp. It was at that moment, crouching down, when I noticed one of my power tubes was not glowing like the other three.

Is this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to a technician?


Dear Concerned,

Kill her. Fuck and burn her corpse. Cut her into small pieces and leave her for the rats. Soak your clothes in petrol and set fire to yourself in a Westfield shopping centre on Christmas Eve.

Yours Sincerely,
Damien 666

Are you having problems at home? Worried about debt? Is addiction affecting your personal or professional life?
Our Damien can offer free advice:

London – 16/12/12

Sunday, December 16, 2012
Time TBC - All Ages
The Wheelbarrow (map)
55 Camden High Street
London, United Kingdom NW1 7JH
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Back at the Wheelbarrow! Free entry :-)

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Man Has Sex With a Sofa in the Street

Submitted by Warpdog

A MAN has been arrested for having sex in a street with a SOFA.

Gerard Streator, 46, was spotted bending over the abandoned yellow settee with his trousers round his ankles.

The hotel worker was seen by an off-duty cop at 11pm “thrusting his hips” against the sofa which was in full view next to the kerb. Nobody was on the “love seat”.

As the officer yelled at him, Streator fled to a nearby apartment block in Waukesha, Wisconsin.

He was later arrested and charged with one count of lewd and lascivious behaviour.

Streator could face up to nine months in jail and a £7,000 fine.